Category Archives: Musings

Feeling Pretty

Happy Valentine’s Day.  Today I did something that I do not usually do, I went for a … manicure.  Not that out of the ordinary you might think, but I only treat myself once or twice a year, so it is a special occasion for me.  Sometimes I’ll paint my own nails, but most often I just leave them bare and unadulterated.  I like the manicure.  It makes me feel pretty and fancy – a good thing to feel on Valentine’s Day.

A manicure with my aunt and cousin (unfortunately mine only lasted 1 day - this active girl wasn't made for manicures!)

A manicure with my aunt and cousin (unfortunately mine only lasted 1 day – this active girl wasn’t made for manicures!)

I started thinking about the reasons why I do not get a manicure/pedicure more often.  Partly it is because I see it as a luxury that I do not need – an extravagance to spend fifty dollars on something so frivolous and fleeting.  And partly because I tend not to invest a lot of time and effort on myself, and especially on my beauty routine.  This has always been the case with me – I just do not place that much importance on how I look.

One of the reason I spend so little time on my appearance, is because I want to be doing other things.  I think to some of the vacations with my husband, and how many wives sit by the pool looking beautiful in their coordinated ensembles and with their coifed hair.  But me?  I am in my shorts and tank, my hair pulled back, and face without a scrap of make-up, taking a jog or renting a paddleboard with my husband.  I do not want to worry about how I look or by whom I am seen.  I want to do the seeing, take in the view, partake in the sport, and engage in life.

But deep down do I care what people think?  Especially my spouse?  I know he loves that I do all these activities and sports with him, but can I get a balance and make the best of how I look at the same time?  When I started my first job in London I did not have a balance.  I had a long commute each way and did not want to spend time in the morning making myself look pretty – I threw on a suit, combed my hair, and was out the front door.  I recall once a male colleague took me to one side and said “You know you could look really pretty if you made an effort.”  I took it as a back-handed compliment – I have the potential to look pretty, I just wasn’t reaching it most of the time.

I often hope that my kindness towards people and tendency to smile make up for my lack of grooming.  After all, we spend time trying to encourage our impressionable teenage daughters, nieces, and friends that it is what is inside that counts; that all the women in the magazines are photo-shopped, and that is not what real beauty is.  But there is no getting away from the fact that we live in a society that bases its impressions on appearance.  People strive for the perfect body, teeth, hair.  We have to remind ourselves to look at what is inside.  I once read a quote that went something like – Pretty is what you look like, Beauty is what you are inside.  I like that.  How about a balance between pretty and beauty?  How about being both?

Lydia

Subliminal Messages

We are bombarded with subliminal messages every day.  Advertising companies use them to persuade us to buy their products through clever use of colors, words, images, sounds, and product placement.  Any communication that skips our conscious thought, but enters our subconscious mind, is known as a subliminal message.   As the conscious mind doesn’t have time to rationalize or analyze these messages, it is said that people might more easily accept them.

Aside from the use of subliminal messages in advertising, we submit subliminal messages every day.  We send out vibes to others and in turn pick up on messages being transmitted to us.  These messages are not what we say or even how we say things – in fact we submit messages when we are not saying anything at all – they are a subconscious projection of our internal feelings.

I recently read a book that made me think about the vibes and messages we are sending out.  It is called The Daily Coyote by Shreve Stockton.  In the book Stockton explains how her domesticated coyote, Charlie, picks up on her feelings.  He senses her emotions towards him (love and later fear) but also on her general well-being and state-of-mind.  When Stockton becomes stressed, anxious, and overwhelmed, Charlie senses this and realizes she is not the calm, assertive, capable leader, and so he becomes leader (and shows aggression and dominance towards her).  But when she gets herself emotionally back on track, their relationship changes for the better.

I thought about the subliminal messages I am giving off and how it makes those around me feel.  I am acutely aware of how animals can sense our emotions.  I have a fear towards dogs (gained from an incident in my childhood).  Dogs know this about me, and sometimes however much bravado I put up, they can tell that inside I have some level of anxiety and fear. This often causes them to bark at me, which then increases my fear.  But I wondered if it is more than that?  Is it just my fear towards dogs that they sense, or like Stockton, do I lack calmness and assertiveness at times, and this is what they are picking up on?  Do I need to make changes within to re-adjust my signal?

Dogs (and other animals) have an innate ability to tell how we feel.

Dogs (and other animals) have an innate ability to tell how we feel.

If animals can sense our emotions (and re-act towards us accordingly), do humans too?  I think children are more apt to.  I recall my first day teaching, a class full of 10 year olds watching my every move. They could sense my newness and nervousness, and acted (up!) accordingly.  There are also times when children have been drawn to me.  When I first met my niece (through marriage) she stuck to my side.  Did she know I instantly loved her and wanted to be around her?  And when I recently bumped into a student I had taught, who now had a child of her own, her son immediately came to me and flung his arms around me in an embrace.  Could he sense my tenderness towards him?  (The parents acted like he didn’t do that with everyone, so maybe so.)

I wonder, does our ability to sense emotions diminish with age?  Are we too busy judging people on appearances rather than the feelings we get from them?  Or maybe our ability to read emotions is still strong, and we just do not react towards others’ emotions so obviously, in the way children and animals do?  We are more cautious and guarded in our responses.  I have been around people, both on a personal level and in business, who I get a strong sense of genuineness from, of integrity, caring, and thoughtfulness.  And also those who are selfish or have ulterior motives.  You can try and mask your intent by what and how you say things, but subliminal messages make those around you feel a certain way.  What messages are you sending out and how do they make those around you feel?

Lydia

Growth

I recently read a quote from the Chinese classic text, The Tao Te Ching,
“The giant pine tree
grows from a tiny sprout.”
I pondered these lines and their meaning to me.  I reflected on the literal sense, the wondrousness in nature of a seedling becoming a tree, or a baby mammal, with its small limbs and closed eyes, becoming an adult.  And figuratively, the spark of an idea igniting and developing.  Growth – the potential within everything to become something bigger.

During my walk this morning I marveled about growth, about the tiny molecules – the building blocks – inside everything, with all the necessary tools to develop into something great.  I thought of God, of nature, and science, and the magnificentness of it all.  As my boots crunched on the crystalized snow I thought of the plants underneath, lying dormant during the frigid weather, ready to push their way to the surface and blossom in the spring.

I thought about the essential elements needed for growth: light, water, warmth, and nutrients (knowledge I ascertained in science class all those years ago).  I thought about how these needs stand true for both plants and humans alike.  How we crave these things.  How my new regiment of a daily walk helps fulfill elements for growth; feeling the light and warmth of the sun on my skin, soaking up Vitamin D, filling my lungs with the fresh mountain air.  My walks also allow me time to think and reflect.  I may be done with my physical growth, but these elements seem to help with mental growth too.

What signifies growth in humans?

What signifies growth in humans?

Growth can be described as the development from a simpler to more complex stage.  Is this true of humans?  Do we become more complex over time?  The accumulation of our life experiences influencing our thoughts and ideas.  Is real growth being able to decipher through all this, to learn from it, to pick out what is important and what isn’t?

I have the pleasure of having friends of various ages and stages of life.  I have noticed that some of my friends appear to have things more figured out; they seem calmer, wiser, more settled, and accepting, they ask more questions and are better listeners.  This to me is growth.  We can grow as a human beings in how we relate to others and the world around us, in how we see ourselves in the bigger picture.  There are lessons we can learn on our journey through life, to help us grow and develop, they are there in everyday events and interactions, if only we look for them.

Lydia

Scars

When I woke up this morning I noticed the scars under my left eye – several small pink slivers running in parallel lines.  Sometimes they look more apparent when I first awaken, when my skin is paler from sleep and under the harsh lights of the bathroom mirror.  They seem to fade as they day unravels or sometimes I don’t even notice them at all.

These scars are some of my numerous collection, some from mishaps in my childhood – falling off my bike, scuffles with my siblings, nicking a razor against my knee – and others earned later in life.  Come to think of it the scars in my adulthood are from similar fates – many of them bike related – an errant tree branch as I tear long the trail, an unfriendly chain cog grabbing my shin, gravel embedding itself in my elbow as I slide along the path after losing control.

The "scar" of this path on the landscape reminds me of the one on my right arm.

The “scar” of this path on the landscape reminds me of the one on my right arm.

I realize these scars are gained from doing.  If I wasn’t so adventurous, then I wouldn’t have many of them.  There is a tradeoff, an opportunity cost – by putting oneself in a situation to get hurt, that might just happen – you get hurt.  I think there are likely more injuries and scars in Park City, where I live, than other parts of the world.  But that is because people are out there, testing themselves, defying gravity, pushing the limits – skiing, biking, hiking, sailing – doing.  Would you want to pick the alternative and limit your adventures to stay scar free?

Scars may be physical signs of imperfection, but I think they can be beautiful.  They tell a story, they become part of you.  I remember reading in the book Little Bee, by Chris Cleave “…I ask you right here please to agree with me that a scar is never ugly. That is what the scar makers want us to think. But you and I, we must make an agreement to defy them. We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means, I survived.”

I think this is powerful.  In the book there were instances of scars being inflicted by others.  Whether inflicted, accidental, or self-inflicted, and physical or emotional, I think it still stands true – a scar means you’ve been through something and come out the other side.  A scar is survival and strength.  My friends have a variety of scars, some of which I have heard the stories about, and others not, some are from playing – swimming pools, golf clubs – and others from things such as the removal of suspicious looking moles.  All the scars distinctive and beautiful, like each of us.  I’m learning to love my scars and the skin I am.  They are part of who I am.  They tell my story and make me uniquely me.

Lydia

Appreciation

Have you noticed that when you first start dating someone you are showered with compliments, and yet as time passes so too does the praise?  I suspect in most relationships an inverse correlation between time and appreciation – as one goes up the other goes down.  But this does not need to be the case.

Do you recall the early days with your spouse or significant other?  Gushing with all the wonderful things about them, both physical and internal – they are so smart, funny, attentive, attractive.  A friend recently began dating again and shared how good it made her feel to receive such accolades.  And rightly so, we all like to be given compliments.  When others value and appreciate us, it makes us believe in and value ourselves too.

However, once we have sealed the deal, and wooed our partner into a long-term commitment, so often the appreciations dry up.  We stop trying as hard or sadly even noticing those things that first drew us to our mate.  In the marriage book, The Five Love Languages, by Dr. Gary Chapman, he speaks of this initial phase as “the honeymoon phase”, and once this has passed, which it invariably does, we have to try harder to do or say the nice things we did for our partner when we first began dating.

If, as human beings, we yearn to be praised, complimented, and appreciated, then we are drawn to those who share it with us.  I want to be the one giving appreciation to my spouse.  I want to be the one to tell him all the things I love about him – his humor, zeal, dedication, warmth.  If we receive the things we desire within our marriage, then we won’t need to seek it elsewhere.

A heart representing appreciation

A heart representing appreciation

I was reflecting today also on the law of diminishing returns.  It is an economic theory that states at a certain point in time you get less additional reward from something the more effort you put in (the continuing application of effort toward a particular goal will decline in effectiveness after a certain level of result has been achieved).  Sounds like pretty technical stuff.  As an Economics major I would hear about it all the time in relation to business, efficiency, and success.  While the theory stands true for many things, with regard to our relationships my theories differ.

I believe in our relationships the more effort you put in, the more rewarded you will be – indefinitely.  Don’t stop the appreciations after the honeymoon phase is over, if the words are genuine and said with sincerity you can never be told them too much – keep those compliments coming!  You might be pleasantly surprised by what you hear in return.

Lydia